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Never Be Yourself

by Count Zero

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1.
Nine months afloat in a well. Never see much past the shell. Never know heaven from hell. Got rid of my tail halfway through Nothing to worry my head Never’s a word (n)ever said Never know living from dead And hopeful that I never do Safe and sound. I’ll stay right here, hunkered down. Safe and sound. I’ll stay right here, hunkered down. Safe and sound. I’ll stay right here, safe inside a cell. Soon I burst into this place Chairman of beauty and grace They shoved it right back in my face Got sent here to get rid of me Nurse rings the thirty-year bell Candles and white clientele “Back you go into your cell You’re better when we let you be safe and sound. Stay right here and settle down. Safe and sound. Stay right here and settle down. Safe and sound. Stay right here. Safe inside a cell.”
2.
She still gets out just to see and be seen. “’swhat life’s about, innit? Havin fun and livin’ it up!” She goes towards the mirror, armed with her best cover-up and a steely will. She hears a knock: “I don’t mean to be mean but you could use a little something to make you look more young.” He shuts the door. Right then, my mockingbird flies by their windowsill. My Mockingbird, tell me true: why don’t anybody sing the blues like you? Hey, Mockingbird, tell me true: why don’t anybody sing the blues like you do? She swipes again The prim and proper cashier shakes her head, “Keeps gettin’ rejected.” So he grabs his card, says “Never mind!” And races out the door. The bell chime’s unimpressed. A pack of smokes. The prince of paupers lights up. “Where to now? What kind of toys can empty pockets buy?” His head hangs down. Right then, my mockingbird flies past, and home to nest. My Mockingbird, tell me true why don’t anybody sing the blues like you? Hey, Mockingbird, tell me true: why don’t anybody sing the blues like you do?
3.
Jeffrey No 03:55
Remember Jeffery? He wore that referee shirt every day? We used to tease. But he was no dunce, I hung with him once (we played a few games). He had a red door with gold locks. It led to his basement. So I asked, “What you got in your cellar? What you got in your cellar?” “Why you all wild now? Actin’ all crazy? Jeffery? No!” I bought a small house a couple blocks from Jeffery’s place. I’m glad I bought. It’s nice not to pay rent, but I’m a bit spent (don’t mean to scare you, heh). But it’s all me. Come down and see! I fixed up the basement. And she asked “what you got in your cellar? what you got in your cellar?” she transmits through his dead doll eyes she transmits let her be Jeffery set her free
4.
Last night they done caught me, tryin’ to direct my dreams. I had one where I was writing a book called “Tree Street,” where a man from outer space came and vanished, without a trace. I’d based it on this old unexplained crime involving two good ol’ boys who’d seen this strange dude near their ice cream van. He appears one night on Elm & Oak Street, struttin’ proud, like a hard-up hen ‘cluckin loud in a barred-up pen. They sauntered up slow, saying, “Stranger? Somethin’ wrong?” See, ev’ry lick of his lips was just a cry for sugar, and every flick of his wrists meant “My Throat Is Dry!” And ev’ry wink of his eye meant “Heavens help me!” And in an ice cream van they made our Spaceman cry. They said “Mister, you don’t come from round here, do ya?” “Look here, Mister, gonna call you Miss. Understood?” “Ain’t that you ‘neath the mission bell?” “Ain’t you cruisin’ the wishing well?” “Just who do you think you are?” “You gettin’ scared? Am I sending chills all over your body?” See, ev’ry lick of his lips was just a cry for sugar, and every flick of his hips meant “Throat Is Dry!” And ev’ry wink of his eye meant “Stars, Come Help Me!” And in an ice cream van they made our Spaceman cry.
5.
Hold Me 03:35
I can make you, Tomato, with my underworld eye give you forefinger pogo tell a little lie you can smile like a billboard breathe fire when you pout helps to shine the pointy teeth in your big mouth i can buy you libido tossing rings in my hat I can kill demon seed with my laundromat you can ride the silence with your libertine scowl screaming independence throwing in the towel baby say you’ll stay don’t ever run away just hold me baby say you will be mine until the end of days forty versions I can choose never be myself you can cue a Greek chorus with the satellites' help you can hide on islands never be yourself baby say you’ll stay don’t ever run away just hold me baby say you will be mine until the end of days the heroine she be doin' the hero in the hero wins once he be doin’ the harem baby say you’ll stay don’t ever run away just hold me baby say you will be mine until the end of days Never go away don’t ever stray just stay and hold me never be afraid my arms were made for your embrace
6.
We'll Get By 03:34
Smoke in the sky It's a word formation right in the sky nowhere to hide Gray plumes dotting the mountain lines over and over again broaching the fault mines Falling the fall Failing them all So many people survive so many people what can we do to survive? We'll get by, by and by so many people! Open the door see the world rotating up turns around changes to down Sand storms blow in from Al Asad choking the daydreams shutting them off ending them all
7.
sitting on a smokestack she rehearses listening to the echo make it huge blithely disregarding second verses swallowed in a sonic centrifuge all at once the sounds fade her sleeve is tattering from a twitching shoulder blade her arm sprouts a wing Now she’s flying o’er everything It’s a mind over matter thing She’s defying gravity to meet the moon Pilot points the blips out on the radar shows them to the junior engineer wondering what the numbers now displayed are locks in on the coordinates, and steers near now they're wondering if they're sane can't trust a thing they see she’s afloat beside their plane in love with levity yeah she's flying over ... watch her fly o’er everything It’s a mind over matter thing She’s defying gravity to meet the moon No her heart don’t doubt a thing it’s a mind over matter thing Watch her ride through galaxies to meet the moon
8.
Radium Eyes 03:27
Merry is the man with money in his hand
 with grease between the wheels and lamps in his latrine
 and stacks of fresh towels for his wet hands
 counting up all his toys
 draining tent fire from the neighbors
 sermons from soldier boys
 like our young cadet whose lords require sweat
 ‘til Spain is on its ass surrendering Philippines
 He‘s stuck in ruts wearing lead pants
 buried chest-deep in a Maginot
 Wondering when he'll touch flesh again
 next chance he gets, he must tell her:
“Oh, you've got Radium eyes” He can see his girl with temporary curls
 And a doorbell-fetching maid pour fêtes a la piscine
 but she’s working, changing the bedpans
 in cities where none but daughters roam
 stretchers fill every cathedral
 tarpaulins drip from each broken dome
 “You've got Radium eyes” Day meets night in your eyes
 Black turns white in your eyes
9.
Lying in the lion’s den, so close Something shakes outside and wakes us both Your whisper breaks, you sound alarmed I’ll keep you safe and sound, unharmed Lay low Flowers guard our bed with red and gold The pillows frame your head with red and gold Our bodies weave a tapestry we study. And the mystery unfolds. Slow and Easy Woman, we have so much time and I swear I’ll give you anything and everything that’s mine Slow and Easy Girl, we’ve got the night and more And I’ll hold you tight until the light of dawn climbs ‘cross our floor Slow and Easy I close my eyes pretending I can’t tell how deeply you’ve spun me into your spell The breeze denies the candlelight We’re blind inside this dark delight- ful hell
10.
Shake 04:38
I thought I had you pegged: On the prowl for men who look money. You’d find one, delight his eye. He’d bite, you’d pull the reel in. He’d buy a round of drinks. All your friends would blink in envy. Instead, you headed straight for me, dragged me gratefully to the floor, and said: “Let’s see you shake!” Look, I’d believe this if you came here more on your own accord. Not just to win a bet with yourself, or a ring. Not just to seize the tension, or be adored. See, at 19, to be a wiser boy, I hid beneath the radar’s range. I met sisters who, with hearts destroyed, made all men look like junked John Waynes. Since no cries of ecstasy have convinced me, I’ve no idea what it’s gonna take to change this mindset I’ve had ever since and can’t seem to shake. And you replied: “Hell, let’s both un-zip our souls, and run through fields with the goat-hoofed gods, and swim, all star-lit, in lonesome lakes.” And I said “Right! How long you think the ride there’s gonna take?” Shake up. Shake down. Shake...somehow.
11.
we finally fell in the bright blue hole today it was fun now it’s over in the bright blue hole in the bright blue hole we see it coming but we pretend that it’s not there we all hear the humming our minds are numbing scared to step outside float past the window in a pitiful disguise we finally fell in the bright blue hole today it was fun, now it’s over in the bright blue hole in the bright blue hole move over slightly you’ve invaded my space the borders between us have all been erased we finally fell in the bright blue hole today in the bright blue hole in the bright blue hole boy you better get moving or you might get shot

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released May 15, 2011

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Count Zero Boston, Massachusetts

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